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Monday, 16 March 2009

Title, anyone?

Below is the third - and, so far as I can tell at present, the final - draft of a poem for which I have been quite unable to find a title to satisfy me. I wondered if any of you good, kind and talented souls out there might have any suggestions...


Perfect concordance:
tunnels recalled from childhood, tunnels
extant beneath the garden. Visited
of late in star-bright darkness,
most recently last night,
then twice the week before,
and four more nights that month.

Still there, the hidden door
beneath the tree stump's
ivy skirt. Enough to roughly shake
the child awake to free the man -
an old, discarded corner
of my inner landscape, lighting up.
A sat nav for my visiting.

Steered by it unerringly,
each crossing known,
each excavation harking back
to when I'd peopled them
with supermen and supreme
heroes, warriors with special powers
to save the world.

The population change
unnerved me for a while.
Is it because I'm old
the soldiers have moved on,
left children to waft smoke
from air-polluting torches?
I leave it now to them to save the world.

41 comments:

lakeviewer said...

Good morning Dave. This is quite a meal you provide for us this morning. There are many thoughts and symbols, layers of meaning that can only be appreciated with repeated readings. Do you want a title?

How about: Digging to Morning.

caution: watch the change in point of view in the last part.

Leatherdykeuk said...

Fabulous images. I loved the shift from childhood to traumatic adulthood.

My suggestion: Under Earth

jinksy said...

Buried treasure?

D.Bell said...

Prehaps a single word to describe the most pressing emotion as you wrote... Something unexpected, short, pointed...

The Weaver of Grass said...

Does it necessarily have to have a title, Dave. The imagery is superb and it left me puzzling about its meaning and needing to read it several times - surely that is what a poem should do.

Karen said...

How about "Passages" -- both for the tunnels and the ending?

Wonderful poem, filled with the pull of the past and the shift to the present.

Stephen Dell'Aria said...

Terrific poem Dave. I'm thinking about the tunnels and where they come from. This is a complex poem. I will leave the title to someone better with words than me and continue to re-read your poem.

Shadow said...

i like this untitled poem... how about 'the next generation'

Rachel Fox said...

I like the 'Under Earth' suggestion further up.
x

Elizabeth said...

'Underneath' or 'Underground'?
I think we all --Jungians especially perhaps -- will find echoes of our own in this wonderful, rich poem.

Sorlil said...

If it were mine I'd go for 'Tunnels'.

Lisa said...

Life Circle

Linda S. Socha said...

Wonderful poem Dave. Touching and vivid imagery.
I see.. To Free the Man.. or
Untitled.

Linda

Lady Glamis said...

This is beautiful. I'm struck by the imagery. I would go with Untitled or Tunnels. :)

Meri Arnett-Kremian said...

How about Subterranean Dreamscape?

Kay said...

I like Passages as a title.. it has the whole multiple level thing going for it... and is a bit not as on the nose as some of the other ones.

Conda V. Douglas said...

Evocative poem, Dave. This title just popped into my mind: Courage Trove.

Totalfeckineejit said...

Stolen from 'The Jam' but a fine title nonetheless, I suggest, 'Going underground'

Derrick said...

I vote for 'Passages', Dave.

Jeanne said...

I like Karen's suggestion -- Passages. (Lovely poem, by the way. Especially like "roughly shake/the child awake/to free the man")

willow said...

I like Tunnels. Or how about "Beneath the Garden"?

Mistlethrush said...

What about making the first line bold and let it serve as both title and first line?

Tommaso Gervasutti said...

Dear Dave, I enjoyed the whole atmosphere of it and the conclusion is superb.
I would simply use words of the poem as a title: "Harking Back".

Or, less sober, but maybe more effective "Lasting hidden door."

Best wishes, Tommaso (Davide)

Helen said...

I will leave the bestowing of a title to the writers ... however, I can almost hear the music written to accompany your words ~ performed by Coldplay perhaps?

lakeviewer said...

Music. Yes. Check out the folks I recommended in my previous post.
Though I like Coldplay, they are already too exposed and commercial. You need a young, indie group that touches the same chords.

K.Lawson Gilbert said...

I'm with Karen - PASSAGES or PASSAGE - seems perfect for this. This is a beautiful and evocative poem. The last line finishes it so completely.

Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

"My life as a teenage misfit"......
again.......lovely post Dave.......

Tumblewords: said...

'Bark of Roots' 'Night Roots'
A wonderfully vivid and multi-layered poem!

watermaid said...

I'm coming in on this late, having been out of the country for the last two weeks. i go with the single word title. the one that springs to my mind is 'Subterranean'.

Dave King said...

Hi Everyone
I thought I was over the hill, but I seem to be walking a whole range. My computer has now taken to switching itself off without warning. So here goes... fingers crossed!


LakeViewer
I wasn't sure at first, but liking it more and more. Thanks.
Not so much a change of view, more a resignation.

Leatherdykeuk
Thanks for the comments - and the suggestion. It's not a million miles from my thoughts.

Jinksy
Thanks, I'll have to think about that one.

D. Bell
Like the idea. Something I'd not considered.

Weaver of Grass
No, it doesn't HAVE to have a title. Thanks for the feedback.

Karen
Yes, I do like that. Works on several levels

Stephen
Thanks for the comment. All grist to the mill.

Shadow
Yup, got possibilities.

Rachel
It's growing on me, too. Thanks.

Elizabeth
Jungian, I understand - I used to consider myself one... maybe still do...

Sorlil
Maybe... I had been thinking along the lines of "Tunnels of the Mind", but thought it didn't quite do it.

Lisa
I think I see where that's going. Thanks.

Linda
Thanks for the comments. Untitled seems to be becoming a front runner.

Meri
I could be persuaded towards that, yes. Thanks for commenting

Kay
I'm inclined to agree - so many excellent suggestions, I'm being spoilt for choice. Thanks for yours.

Conda
Yes, that's one of those inspirational "pops", I could tell. Thanks.

A Cuban In London said...

Sorry, I'm late, dave. 'Destino'. That's my choice. Beautiful poem as usual. Glad to contribute.

Greetings from London.

Frances said...

Adding my two penn'orth to a feast of suggestions. How about 'Hidden Door'?

I realise you're not looking for editorial but have you considered losing the first stanza? The others are so much stronger without it.

'Still, there, the hidden door' makes a great start I think.

Ken Armstrong said...

Excellent Dave! I would suggest 'Perfect Concordance' but I couldn't have written it so I probably shouldn't try to title it.

But you did ask... :)

Happy St Patrick's Day to you.

Dave King said...

Lady Glamis
Thanks for the kind commenst and the suggestions.

Totalfeckineejit
It is a fine title, I wouldn't have known it was stolen. Thanks.

Derrick
I di have to admit to liking that one - among others! Thanks.

Jeanne
Seems to be the most popular at the moment. Thanks.

Willow
Souns good.

Mistlethrush
I like it. I like it a lot. Good idea.

Tomasso
Kind remarks and two first class suggestions. Thanks for all.

Helen
That's a really nice comment. Thanks.

lakeViewer
You're getting too technical for me!

K. Lawson
Nice compliment. Thanks.

Midlife, Menopause, Mistakes and Random Stuff
Thanks for that.

Tumblewords
"Night Roots" I like.

Watermaid
Yes, could be. Thanks for the suggestion.

Dave King said...

A Cuban in London
Contribution much appreciated. Thanks for the comment.

Frances
I'm always looking for editorial, thanks for the suggestion. I hadn't thought, but definitely shall do. "Hidden Door" sounds good to me , too. I do agree that "Still there, the hidden door," makes a great start.

Ken
I did ask, and appreciate the suggestion. Thanks for that - and an equally happy St Patrick's day to you, my friend!

Jenn said...

Dave this is beautifully written, sadly I am not good with titles though so I don't have much for you there. The suggestions here are great, hope you let us know which (if any) you decide to go with!

Lyn said...

I can't believe how late I am with this, but my heart is in it. As others, I like "Tunnels", or "Crossings".

Any Girl said...

Hello, first time on your blog. The line that really struck me as I read was "Enough to roughly shake the child awake to free the man" And as I thought about you poem, this movement from your child to others who now take the title of Child, I wondered if in more than one way "Free The Man" would be an apropos title.

(To Free The Man would also work it seems)

Dave King said...

Jenn
Thanks for the kind remarks.

Lyn
Not late, not late at all. Thanks.

Any Girl
Yes indeed, and very welcome. Thanks for calling.
Good suggestion., certainly will be in the running.

Dominic Rivron said...

How about "Where are they now"?

mansuetude said...

I love the phrase, "in star bright darkness" because it evokes the paradox of light being beneath the ground of where we thing we are "being"...

and also the phrase "beneath the tree stump's ivy skirt"; it really visually opened for me, this...

for a title, i would say, "to them" because you give all of it, the past (which is also an other) to the others--you give it all over ... and we all will (come then or now or in the future) create our own tunnels and our own star-bright darnkess lit with mind and memory of the artifacts of world...

to them, the future, the poets and artists have helped us understand the process...

(etc)... :)