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Friday, 30 March 2012
Stale Beef and Oranges
Victoria C Slotto at dVerse Poets Meeting the Bar: Critique and Craft, guides us down a Buddhist Path.
Through the open window
the square beyond the garden makes its presence felt.
Exuberant girlish laughter - though its dark out there by now -
rings like a bell
bubbles above the bubbling sound
of water in the kettle coming to the boil.
Much further off
a sound like bat on ball or ball on fence,
a dead sound, dull, unechoing,
punctuates the laughter
as boys perform their tricks on scooters
down steps from elevated sections of the square
or pirouette on bollards, just for kicks.
More distant still,
a train negotiates the points
and grumbles on its way.
Now for a moment this whole panoply of sound
is swept away. A helicopter, flying low.
The whoop whoop whoop of rotors drowning all.
A slight aroma lingers from the evening meal.
A range of scents the kettle's steam -
is it my fancy, a conceit
to think the steam responsible? - now bodies up
'till I can taste the beef and oranges.
The maple dips its twigs into the street light, scrawls
the window pane with copies of a Coptic art.
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24 comments:
A slice of life. I liked
The maple dips its twigs into the street light, scrawls
the window pane with copies of a Coptic art.
Dear Dave,
My heart aches reading this.
And I am reading it with overhead
"A helicopter, flying low.
The whoop whoop whoop of rotors drowning all."
Switch the laughter and skateboard antics for dogs barking non-stop, pigeons groaning and moaning, the sound and definitely not scent, of motor mowers travelling from garden to garden around us, and we have a similar picture.
I wish I could take it as lightly as you ...
Forgot to tell you how that beautiful cadence sounded inside my head.
This is very lovely; it's like looking at the moment in a beautiful (slightly convex) mirror. Well done. I haven't had a chance to do yet. K.
Impressive!
I felt as if I were there with you, Dave... and I love the final couplet!
amazing how much sound contributes to our perception of the atmosphere around us... and we so rearely take note! you certainly paint a picture of quotidian tranquility with it here.
"The maple dips its twigs into the street light, scrawls
the window pane with copies of a Coptic art."
This couplet is wonderful, Dave.
Exquisite, David. I especially like how you've engaged the sense of hearing. Every detail you write bring me into the scene.
You paint a perfect picture here Dave.
This creates perfectly that scene when twilight is just giving way to dark, streetlights come on and I could hear it all just around the edges of the light and the tree
This creates perfectly that scene when twilight is just giving way to dark, streetlights come on and I could hear it all just around the edges of the light and the tree
Observational, descriptive, zen-like poem. As every haiku writer knows, you don't have to explain things, you can just let them be. How you describe them, what order you present them in, what you choose to include at all, is more than enough to convey thought and feeling. It doesn't need to be explained, or talked about.
A joy reading, sound marvellously reinforcing the meaning, and great Coptic touch at the end!
A Bonza snapshot of the day in the life of ordinary people :-).
a sense of immediacy seemed to follow this poem
A wonderful write, Dave! The sights, sounds and smells all came rushing toward me as I read. Well done!
Very cool, immersed in a moment so deeply that it all comes together somehow and makes it all make sense somwhow. The full specturm of sounds is very powerful. The ending image of coptic art is fascinating, after so much sound, and therefore that much more effective.
I visited dVerse to see what it was all about and I have to say you have executed this piece very well.
Not only have you touched on these senses that are critical to the challenge, but you have made them oh, so memorable!
"The maple ...scrawls the window pane" is a great line - it is visual, yes, but I can also hear it.
The last five lines are my favorites. Rich and delicious.
rosemarymint.wordpress.com
what a rich mind, full of stuff that comes to pen in a delightful fashion!
Warm Aloha from Honolulu, Dave
Comfort Spiral
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Outstanding,
missed you poems,
Hugs, Rosana
Your words make me feel some nostalgic moments of spring dusk.
It comes from far away, though arriving at next to me, with quite vivid image.
John
Thanks. Useful feedback.
hannah
Thank you so much for the comments.
I do empathise with the observation. There are times when it is difficult to see it all as part of life's rich picture!
Manicddaily
Good - as always - to have your response. Thanks.
Mary
Much appreciated.
Laurie
Much thanks for this.
joanna
Hi, Good to have your comment. Amazing also to realise how much we miss when we are not specifically "tuned in".
Rachna
Sincere thanks for this. Good to know.
Victoria
A really encouraging response. Many thanks.
The Weaver of Grass
Many thanks.
Beachanny
Absolutely. You have it exactly. Thank you.
Art
Hi, good to have this comment. So true, indeed, the connecting facts are often a hindrance to the imaginative interpretation of the scene. Thanks for your thoughts on this.
Windsmoke
Much appreciated, Windsmoke. Thanks.
Wolfrosebud
What a very pleasing observation! Thank you.
Marbles in my Pocket
Very many thanks for this, really good to have such comments.
Charles
Interesting reflection, much appreciated.
Kat
As always, Kat, a very heartening observation. Thank you so much.
Cloudia
Too kind! But much thanks!
The Lady in Red
Good to have you commenting. Thank you for the kind words.
haricot
Lovely thoughts. Thanks.
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