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Friday, 18 May 2012

Sprung Rhythms

Well, that's the idea behind latest challenge by Gay Reiser Cannon at http://dversepoets.com/. I leave it to you to decide if any thing has sprung from it.

Kat-erinka kidnapped, carried off over the shoulders. Little men
carting her off unseen, unconscious. Not green not men, not
really. Vermillion. No shade of. Non-men. Creatures called
leaves who took her ship-side, kat-erinka shipped to the
upper deck called the globe. Home of the Unger Beasts, not
beasts  really. It being sun-like, spherical, sparkling, almost org-
anic, brain-like. Themselves appendages, did not tie or bind her or im-
prison her. Freedom they gave her to roam the ship they called
Fruit4. Telling Kat-erinka Go everywhere. See all. Try all. Knowing
she would not, could not work it out, but  mapped it, charted it, dis-
covered the brain on her paper, cusp of their secret. From  her
memory, elevations, like early warning systems. Cold war thought of, tech-
nology among the stars. Round head perching on a tiny pedestal. Over the
stem an entrance. Leaves blowing in and out. Drawn up like leaves, like
falling in reverse when first they reached the entrance, she entranced -that part
that still was conscious, functioning beyond her senseless knocked-out state.
Beyond the entrance. Bedlam cells, the leaves' work area, from where the
fruit4 mechanisms were controlled. A T.V. hall with screens galore.


Claudia said...

ha...what a fascinating tale...and great beat in this...kat-erinka, kidnapped, carried off over..just pearls from the tongue...very cool david

Anonymous said...

Fruit4 thought, Dave. Very clever, and interesting story. The enjambment works really well. And the somewhat quieting down as the poem continues, gets more serious, sort of pans out to view the whole landscape. Good job. (As Claudia says, very cool.) k.

Mary said...

I comment you for trying the challenging form, which is more than I did. Sigh. I did see the 'spring' in your verse....so I would say you succeeded.

Brian Miller said...

smiles...i def think you found the beat in a rather fantastic tale as well...with fruit4 thought for sure...smiles....

Laurie Kolp said...

This has a great beat, Dave, and tells a good tale, too!

Daydreamertoo said...

I thing you sprung your tale the way it was supposed to spring, a lot better than I managed....lol
Good story too :)

aprille said...

It all confuses me and yours doesn't make it clearer to me either. Not your fault: I just have a blind spot here.
Tell you one thing for certain though: Spring hasn't sprung. I am freezing.

Rachna Chhabria said...

This has a really nice feel to it, its a pretty fast read.

Beachanny said...

Kudos to you first for the use of the long line. Within it, you have room to bounce the beat in a surreal word play which considered word by beat makes perfect sense. Sustaining this rhythm over this number and length of lines is a cool feat in itself.

Proving you "get" it is your use of internal rhyme, alliteration, assonance, alongside the novel use of established words. Love how the poem arcs from "unseen" in the first line to "screens" in the last. The multiple meanings in all the words let this play on many many levels. I'm "entranced" by it - well done!

Tommaso Gervasutti said...

A great rhythm, in any case. And it certainly echoes the glorious Hopkins.
Once more the last two lines seal powerfully the whole work.

Anonymous said...

cold war thoughts -> yeah. my mind went to this too, sort of...

claudia makes it seem like that is natural for this form.

when time races like a bullet

Windsmoke. said...

Bonza springy tale :-).

hyperCRYPTICal said...

Excellent boucy tale - love the Kat-erinka- just bounces of the tongue!

Anna :o]

Dave King said...

Thanks for saying. Good to have the feedback.

Thanks for this, most useful. The quieting down was not a deliberate ploy, but I do take your point. In fact, I gave very little attention, if any, to the story: it was merely the vehicle for the rhythms. Rightly or wrongly, they dictated it.

Thanks for seeing the spring. Hope it wasn't another false one!

Thanks, but I am still finding sprung rhythms most baffling.

Thanks Laurie, most encouraging, but with the rhythm so much depends on the way the reader scans... I can read G.M.H. sprung or unsprung, so to speak!

Daydreamer too
Thanks. I really welcome this, but you underrate yourself, I think.

I sure agree with your last remark, but I'm not surprised I haven't helped your cause. The blind leading the blind, maybe.

Thanks Rachna. God to hear.

Thank you so much for your most useful critique. I shall study what you have to say as on first reading you appear to be giving me credit for what I had not realised I had done. It is a lovely comment to have received.

Thank you. This is most encouraging.

A-hem... it was supposed to be little men from Mars - as it mattered, I was really only thinking about the rhythms. The style, not the substance, I'm afraid.


Thanks for this. Very good to hear.

Ygraine said...

Yes, I definitely felt the beat in there.
I had an image of a sixties hippy with flowing hair, nodding his head and saying, 'Groovy rhythm, man!'
(Don't ask me why a hippie. I've no idea!!)