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Friday, 2 September 2011
Only she knows when
Her smiling face
what you can see of it
peeping through green shutters
opened just a chink.
Streets 'well aired' by now.
Actress type you know,
doesn't keep our hours,
doesn't show too early.
Just when she does...
What a performance! Wow!
Did I forget to say
that smiling face
becomes her as it has become
her soul.
She's promised to reveal it,
not lightly,
wantonly
or thoughtlessly -
and not too soon.
At the appointed hour
she'll throw the shutters back -
those tiny triangles;
perfection of geometry,
engineering from the Master,
He who made us all -
and we shall know her as she is:
beauty unadorned.
There is a moment
when the soul is right,
when she will act
and in that action speak
and say what must be said.
We must be patient,
only she,
only the sunflower knows the hour.
(Please see my note in comment 2)
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26 comments:
love this!
I am offering this for critiques from dVerse Poets (http://dversepoets.com/
Also, discovering that their prompt for this week was 'sunflowers', I have linked it to 'Thursday Think Tank #64 HREF="http://poetryblogroll.blogspot.com/
I have had to add these intended links here as blogger would not let me add them to the post. They appeared superimposed upon the comments, as a result of which nothing worked or was readable.
This is fantastic - I simply loved it - great Dave - made my friday!
great poem
it does the sunflower proud - and you...
Beautiful, I love the shutters,the actress, the performance! Stunning and yes, what a wonderful performance~
Yours and hers :D
What a lovely presentation of a sunflower. They are marvellous flowers, aren't they?
Hi Dave, I like this very much. The sunflower ending took me by surprise, and I had to read the poem again and found myself smiling.
By the way, "Sunflower" is a Poets United prompt, a different site than dVerse.
Nature in all her glory! I love it and am looking at the sunflowers at the cottage across the street from us as I type this.
Her smiling face
what you can see of it
peeping through green shutters
opened just a chink.
great start. now lemme read the whole thing.
i think i am going to copy this poem and keep it on my mail id, so i can read it whenever i want. may i? :)
Very different in mood from other things you have done.
ah this is a beautiful poem dave...such warmth and joy in this..few thoughts below..
i love the whole first stanza A LOT...
Did I forget to say
that smiling face
becomes her as it has become
her soul.
She's promised to reveal it,
not lightly,
wantonly
or thoughtlessly -
and not too soon. (i would make a stanza break here)
At the appointed hour
she'll throw the shutters back -
those tiny triangles;
perfection of geometry,
(engineering from the Master,
He who made us all )- (suggestion: engineered by him who made us all)
and we shall know her as she is: (think i would cut this line)
(she's )beauty unadorned.
There is a moment
when the soul is right,
when she will act
and in that action speak
and say what must be said.
We must be patient, (think i would stop the poem here...we must be patient is a fantastic closure - i either would cut the sunflower knows the hour part or put it ahead of we must be patient)
only she,
only the sunflower knows the hour.
just my humble thoughts dave - for you to consider and to take or leave...but really like your poem...it paints my day sunflower yellow and resonates with grace and hope..thanks
Another lovely poem, Dave. Your posts always make me wonder about the magic you weave with your words.
I really like this. The last line is simply brilliant...
For the first sentence, I would take out "her". I think its extra and in my opinion, you don't need it. I think too many pronouns bog down a poem.
That being said, in the 2nd line I would change "it" to "her".
3rd line, the word chink bothers me, but I think thats just me being persnickety.
I dont know if I get the "Actress type you know" line...
for the first line in the 2nd stanza, I would get rid of "Did".
In the 2nd line of the 2nd stanza I would change "that" to "a".
I would cut the lines:
not lightly,
wantonly
or thoughtlessly-
It seems to drag down the rhythm in an otherwise lovely poem.
I love love LOVE the following:
She'll throw the shutters back-those tiny triangles;
perfection of geometry." just amazing...
In my opinion, the following lines seem out of place, altho I understand why you put them in...:
engineering from the Master,
he who made us all-
lastly, the last 3 lines are mouthwatering:
we must be patient,
only she,
only the sunflower knows the hour.
Great poem! All my opinion above, of course. Take as you will!!!
The timing on this is perfect (for me). I just returned from our walk by the river and sunflowers are in abundance. My husband and I agreed to bring the camera tomorrow. Makes me happy.
I like that you held out till the end to let us know who "she" is.
Flowed along nicely :-).
I enjoyed that Dave. Sunflowers are my fave flower and this poem did the heady ones justice!
psst....is there a lot of blog editing going on? I tend to accept what other's write without the need to tamper with it. You could end up with a completey new poem in some cases....lol
Her smiling face
what you can see of it
peeping through green shutters
opened just a chink. GREAT METAPHOR FOR THE SUNFLOWER, THOUGH WHEN THEY GET GOING, THE SUNFLOWERS TOWER ABOVE THE GREEN SHUTTERS. DRIVING THROUGH PARTS OF FRANCE AT THIS TIME OF YEAR SUNFLOWERS ARE ALL YOU SEE
... Streets 'well aired' by now. DO YOU NEED THE QUOTE MARKS?
...She's promised to reveal it,
not lightly,
wantonly
or thoughtlessly -
and not too soon. MARRIAGE SERVICE?At the appointed hour
she'll throw the shutters back -
those tiny triangles;
perfection of geometry,
engineering from BY? the Master,
He who made us all -
and we shall know her as she is:
beauty unadorned.
There is a moment
when the soul SOUL SEEMS ODD HERE - HOW ABOUT "WHEN THE TIME..." is right,
....We must be patient,
only she,
only the sunflower knows the hour.
I AGREE WITH CLAUDIA THAT "WE MUST BE PATIENT" MAKES A GOOD LAST LINE.
CailinMarie
Good to have you visiting, and grateful to you for the comment.
120 Socks
Thank you very much for those kind words. Made my Saturday!
lucychili
Thank you so much for commenting.
Jinksy
Yes, it did me good writing it, I think. Lovely to think it may have helped the sunflower.
Ella
Welcome to the blog and thank you so much for your very kind words. They all are valued.
jabblog
Thanks again. Good to have you and your comment. All are helpful.
Mary
Hi Mary. Yes, I did know it was a Poets United prompt - but not until after I'd posted it. I linked it to dVerse for critique purposes and later discovered the prompt. I tried to link from my blog to Poet's United in the normal way, but Blogger wouldn't play ball. I had to do it via these comments. Thanks for your gracious comments.
Carl
Thanks Carl. They do brighten the place up a bit, don't they?
Raj
That's quite an endorsement. Thanks for it.
Tabor
Yes, I guess it is at that. Good to have the response - something to ponder about.
Claudia
Wow! Much thanks for such a thorough critique. I really am most grateful for it. I think you are spot on with the suggestion of of the stanza break. Once pointed out, it seems so obvious! Engineered by Him who made us all is also an obvious improvement, as is cutting the line about knowing her as she is. I can also see the point of finishing with 'we must be patient', however 'only the sunflower knows the hour' is the only clue in the poem to the fact that it is a sunflower we are talking about, so I think I would move it up. I think, though, that I need to give that a bit more thought.
Thanks again, for a really useful critique.
Rachna
That is a beautiful response. I am so thrilled with it. Thanks.
Evelyn
It's really good to have you and your thought-provoking critique, which I have not fully digested, but which I can see opens up whole new lines of thought for me. Thank you so much for the effort you have put in. I'm particularly intrigued with your thoughts on the reference to engineering, but as I say, there is much to consider. Sincere thanks.
Victoria
Thanks for that. Much appreciated. Happy shooting today!
Windsmoke
Much thanks.
Lena
Hi, and a very warm welcome to the blog. I do take your remarks to heart and shall indeed watch it! Tjanks for your kind comments on the poem.
vivinfrance
Thanks for the critique. I did much enjoy reading it. The quote marks round well aired are not essential, no, just an acknowledgement that it is a common phrase. Yes, the lines in question were a deliberate echo of the marriage service. I think I agree re the last line. Thanks again.
I so love this poem as I so love sunflowers - Love your work although I don't comment on all your poems I do read them all ;)
Sometimes whe I see fields of them they look to me like an audience .
Rose
Thank you very much for your response. It's good to hear that you liked it - and that you read all my poems. I don't think many of us comment on everything we read, so no need to worry about that! Thanks again.
Jenny
Yes, I can understand that - I shall probably think the same from now on! Maybe I ought to plant a field!
I really enjoyed that poem!
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